Flowers, Bibles, and Anniversaries

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and since my Grandad's passing, I have been itching to put my feelings into words.  I feel I have so much I want to remember, and so much I want my kids to be able to look back on someday, so blogging only seems logical.

We are grateful to be a part of a church that teaches truth and seeks to reach our community with that Truth.  Carson taught last Sunday, which happened to be the day after we buried my Grandad Harry. God used Carson to speak to my heart, which was heavy with grief and hope at the same time.  As my uncle would put it, my grief was informed by the Gospel.  This brings such great peace.  Peace that only God can provide when you lose someone you love so dearly.  My take away from Carson's teaching was I need to be still, and be in the word.   I love my bible app, and it is so convenient, but something Carson said stuck with me.  Basically that my phone, or ipad that I use to read the Word on can be distracting.  I will be drawn to check twitter, or email, or facebook.  Don't get me wrong, the You Version app is very convenient.

Well, Tom and I had discussed this and talked about how we fail to be still, or be in the Word at all.  I fail very, very often.  Seems my priorities are out of whack. It's ironic, and a total God thing that the day before this message, we buried my Grandad with his Bible that he preached from, read from, studied from, and wrote all over with his precious hands.

"Show me the condition of your Bible and I will accurately gauge the condition of your soul." AW Tozer

His priorities seemed to always be Christ first and foremost, and even in his death, God is using the life of my grandad to speak to my heart.

After church that day, I went home to browse our bookshelf of Bibles that we rarely open because of our handy dandy bible app.  I couldn't find the ESV bible I thought I had, but did find an NIV.  It was refreshing to read out of an actual bible, and I could block out distractions that I didn't realize were distractions before.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, and still don't spend the amount of time I need with the Lord.  I just feel more sensitive to thinking about these things, and want to be able to point others to Christ, which can only happen when I am communing with Him.

So, today just happened to be our anniversary.  Fourteen years. Time flies when you're having fun! I've never been a fan of flowers for gifts.  I do love flowers and their beauty, but they don't last. They kind of depress me in a way, because they remind me of the sin in this world because they wither and die.  I have these roses from my Grandad's funeral/gravesite that are slowly withering away.  They remind me of my life without Christ. I can try my hardest to take care of them but I have no power to keep them alive.  Same applies to us, we can try till we cry, but only our Sovereign Father can transform and bring life.

I went to work as usual today, playing with toddlers, changing diapers, reading and singing to my babies.  When it was time for my lunch break, I went out to my car to go grab some lunch.  There in the driver's seat was a new ESV Bible.  Best anniversary gift ever, because unlike flowers, the Word is Truth, and Life.  I have to admit I cried.  My emotions were plenty, and more than anything I was grateful for Christ.  I'm so thankful that though life can be messy at times, and very chaotic, that God came to rescue me through Jesus his very own son.  Hard to wrap my mind around at times.  But I will take the Bible over flowers any day.  Marriage is hard, and I know I need to be still and have a heart after God more than all the flowers in the world.  Grateful for a husband who knows I need to meet with God, more than I need him.

Mother's Day...is NOT my favorite day...

Today was Mother's Day and I have to say I'm glad it's almost over.  Too much expectation is wrapped up in this silly day.  A day to honor moms, or is it?  I can say I am fortunate to attend a church where there was no "Mother's Day" sermon.  Jesus was made much of, and not the women in the church.  I believe that's the way it should be.  I'm pretty sure, Mother's Day is not biblical by any means, and most of the time we praise moms on this day, and then preach to dads on Father's Day on how they need to be better husbands, and dads.  Because the moms are so much better than the dads? Really?  Show me that scripture, please.

Honestly, I'm a horrible, terrible, wretched sinner of a mom.  I yell at my kids when my patience is thin, and I choose to clean the bathroom instead of play games with them.  I get frustrated with my daughter, when she can't decide what to wear, and I check the latest news on facebook instead of reading one more book to my boys.  I don't always ask for forgiveness, or fess up to my mistakes, especially when I've messed up in front of my kids.  That's a tough one for me.  I constantly feel like I need to do more, and be more as a mother, so this really isn't one of my favorite days.

I also know this is a hard day for those women who struggle with infertility, and for those who have lost their mothers or daughters.  It's also a difficult day for those who have strained relationships with their mothers.  Why in the world do we celebrate today?  Why do we put our self worth on the line?  We do we have to get our emotions so tied up into just a silly day?

The truth of the matter is I'm a sinner saved by grace.  Christ died for the sinful mother I am.  I don't get it all right.  Nothing, absolutely nothing I do as a mom or a daughter, can make me a better person or save me.  NOTHING.  Without Christ there is nothing.

Do you really grasp that? I'm not asking if you believe it.  I have believed it in my head, most of my life.  I have only grasped this concept within the last couple of years, and I still have trouble truly understanding how tremendous it is.  My self worth, and how I feel is can not be wrapped up in what others do for me, or how my children treat me.  If this is how I define myself, I have set myself up for failure.  I will never, never, measure up.  I will be let down.  Others will fail me.  That's life.  I have to reach for my Savior constantly to put my perspective in place.  He is the One, True, Constant.

True Love...There's Only One

Valentine's Day... My thoughts about this day have changed recently.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but is it really a necessity to set aside one day a year to celebrate love?  Shouldn't that be our mindset every day?  (Most of my blogs consist of random thoughts in my head, so I apologize)

I'll preface this post to say, this week has been anything but lovely to me. My attitude and heart have not been lovely.  I have felt sorry for myself,  and been very selfish.   I have wanted my circumstances to change for my own benefit.  It has not been an easy week.  Today God stirred my heart, and not from a loving gesture from my husband.

Almost a year ago, we left Galloway Baptist Church where Tom was the student minister.  We had the privilege of meeting the sweet High family.  Two of their kids were in the youth group, and were very consistent in coming and bringing friends.  Abi loved on my kids, and enjoyed playing with them.  All this to say, that their mother, Terri, went to be with her True Love today.

At first, the thought of losing someone close to you on Valentine's Day, seems terrible.  I can't imagine, but sweet Abi posted on facebook about her mother being with Jesus on Valentine's Day.  It took me off guard, and the more I think about it, the more lovely it is.

Today on what the world calls "Valentine's Day," God reminded me that nothing in this world should consume my heart as much as my Savior.  N.O.T.H.I.N.G.  My selfish heart needs to daily be reminded of Christ and His love for me.  Without that there is no peace, no solace.  Without that I cannot love others.  Without that I will just feel sorry for myself, when my circumstances seem so blah. Thank you God, for speaking to me through Terri today.

Terri is with her Savior now, her one True Love.  No better day.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you High family.  We love you and wish so terribly that we could hug your necks.   Nothing in this world is pain free, not on this side of heaven.  We are not guaranteed that.  BUT, Jesus loves.  Jesus came. There's really nothing more to say.

All my love, sweet Abi, Ben, and Ken...

Forgiveness, something I need to ask for more often...

My oldest child, Ellie, is a strong-willed, leader.  She is so much like her daddy, and at times so much like me when I was little.  She loves to take care of people, which is I believe could be one of her spiritual gifts.  Ever since she was a toddler, she was taking care of her baby dolls.  I know Owen thinks of her as a second mommy, because she is so motherly with him.  I am so thankful for my sweet Ellie, and I wanted to document this story so I never forget it.

The morning started out like most, filling bowls of cereal, changing clothes, cleaning up spilt chocolate milk, starting a load of laundry, getting backpacks together, finding socks to wear, brushing teeth, cleaning up another milk spill, etc. You get my point, right?  The mornings are rarely peaceful times around our home, and usually Ellie is a morning person, but this particular morning she was very cranky.  Let me repeat, VERY CRANKY.

She couldn't decide what to wear to school, which set her back with fixing her hair.  When it was time to fix her hair, she wanted it curled, but I told her we did not have time since she took so long getting dressed.  This all escalates to tears and screaming.  A lovely way to start the day, right?  My blood pressure rises easily with Ellie.  I don't know what it is, but my fuse is short with her often.  It's something I pray about regularly.   I'm not proud of it,  and on this morning especially, God used her to humble me.  Keep reading.

Everything continued to be a struggle that morning.  Her hair would not cooperate, then she couldn't decide what she wanted to eat for breakfast.  This all just eats up the time before we have to head to the bus stop.  You've been here, right?  If you have kids, you know these mornings.  They often happen on Sundays. Ha. Now your with me.

We somehow managed to make it out the back door with everything she needed for school.  She buckled Owen in the stroller, and the twins got on their bikes.  We were ready for the trek to the bus stop.  I was feeling some relief, knowing we were on our way, and that she had made it out the door without tears.

As we started walking, Ellie said, "Mom, I'm sorry for the way I acted this morning.  Will you forgive me?"  I'm not sure my brain registered what she said right away.  I was a little taken aback.  She asked me to forgive her?  My little girl, was seeking forgiveness.  Right away I accepted her apology and proceeded to ask her to forgive me for being short with her, and losing my temper.  Moments like these are great ways to teach my kids about the Gospel and grace.  I did my best to remind her that we are not perfect, and Christ died for us, being the sinful people we are.  I did my best, trying to remember some of the things I read in, Give Them Grace. (A great, great book about disciplining with grace in mind, not just moralistic parenting.  I highly recommend it.)

I don't want to ever forget that morning.  It was humbling.  I should have been the one apologizing first.  I'm the adult, right?  We continued talking, and I confessed to her that I do not apologize like I should.  I told her I struggle with pride, and she said, "Yeah, Daddy apologizes more than you do."  Those words pierced me.  I know they are true, and confessing my wrongs to those around me is hard to do.  It comes easier for Tom, and he has taught me so much about seeking forgiveness.  I am so grateful that my kids have a Daddy that teaches them how to seek forgiveness, and demonstrates that openly with me and them.

I tell this story, like I said, so I will never forget it.  I am so thankful to God for my children, and the blessing they are to my life, especially mornings like this one in particular.  I get so excited seeing God at work in the lives of my kids.  I also love how he uses them to teach me.  Weird, right? Seems backwards, but God knew I needed the humbling from my pride.  I am so thankful for Christ, and his redeeming blood.  He made a way for me.  Thank you, Lord.









Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32

Grace Like Baths

Ellie took this pic.  She gave her a make-over and then had her pose. Ha!

As most of you know, we are living with my grandparents and are assisting them, when needed, around the house.  This past week, Granny was starting to look a little distraught, and I knew she hadn't had a bath in a while, so I just suggested we head to the bathroom to clean up.  I know I always feel ten times better after I have a shower, so I knew it would lift her spirits.  Grandad does his best to help her clean up, but it's not easy for him, so she doesn't get the privilege of taking baths very often.

We made it to the bathroom, and eventually to the seat in the bathtub.  I started showering her off, and she loved every minute of it.  She kept saying how good it felt.  It was a sweet time for me.  It was a role reversal.  I remember she used to be the one filling my bathtub, cleaning me off.  She still has the same bath toys on the side of the tub that I used to play with.  It seems like it was only yesterday really.  I thought about how she used to care for me, and now I am the one caring for her.

 It's like grace and the love God has for His children.  God showed His love for us by sending Jesus, and because of what He did on the cross for me I want to share that love with others.  The bath is coming full circle.  Granny did for me, and now I do for her.  Christ died for me, and I should die to self to live for Him.  It was a much needed reminder, and I love how God uses the everyday things, like baths to remind me of the grace He poured out on the cross. 

God also uses these sweet, tender moments to reassure me that living here is a part of His plan.  I can get so frustrated, and become so selfish, wanting my own place, that my mind gets clouded.  It's really very similar to a child pouting.  I start feeling sorry for myself.  It's so silly really, and I am so thankful God gives me these times to bring me back to reality.  This life is not about me.  I am not in control of it anyway, no matter how hard I try to control all my circumstances.  When my heart and mind are focused on Christ, all my petty wants don't seem to matter.  Christ should always be my heart's cry.  Maybe I need to give Granny a bath everyday.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Well, I haven't blogged in a while, and my little ones have been saying some remarkable things.  I thought I need to document some of these so I don't forget.  Kids often surprise us in the words that come out of their mouths.  Most of the time, they are blatantly honest.

This was a crazy car moment.  We have plenty of these moments as well! Ha!

The car is one place where our kids talk, and talk, and talk, and talk.  Did I mention they talk in the car?    We don't have a DVD player to entertain them while driving, so we often have great conversations.  Yesterday was one of those days.

It was Harry, Silas, Owen, and me.  As most of you know, Owen does most of the listening, so this conversation was between Silas, Harry, and me.  Their great-grandad Harry had just bought them Happy Meals, which is a treat around our house.  Grandad was not in the car with us, but he was the topic of conversation.  Those of you who know my grandad will appreciate this.

Me: "You know what you should tell Grandad for getting the happy meals for you?"

Harry:"Yes, we should tell him thank you."

Silas: " Ya, we should do that.  He is so nice.  I love Grandad.  I'm probably gonna cry when he dies."

It was a moment I wish I could have recorded.  Silas meant what he said with all his heart.  The love my little boy has in his heart is immense.  It amazes me how children think.

We continued to discuss how the toy in the happy meal would only be fun for a while, and then they would want a new toy.  I reminded them that our joy does not come from stuff, but from God.  The conversation was starting to get deep. Ha! I don't remember everything I said, but I do remember this...

Silas: " Well, we can't see God, but I still love him, and I know he exists."

I reaffirmed what he said, and talked about how we can see God through creation, etc.  I was just blown away by him using the word "exists." It was a great reminder to me also.  I love how the Holy Spirit uses moments like these to remind me that He is in control, and to remind me of the grace I have been freely given.

 I can see God working in the hearts of my kids.  I love it.  I love my kids bonding with their great-grandparents.  I love car conversations.

Thy not My

The past month has been filled with lots of emotions.  Moving is stressful enough, but on top of that, we have moved in with my grandparents, who require some assistance.  The first week we were here I spent taking Grandad to urgent care, taking Granny to the ER, and taking care of my sick husband.  Oh, and yes, I was also taking care of a few sick children.  I thought I might lose my mind.  Grandad ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, and Tom was sick up until he started his new job.  It was definitely a sick house, and I played nurse to the best of my ability.  So many times, my will and my agenda was pushed to the side, and it would start to bother me.  Those little voices of pride and selfishness would set in.  

Boys with their Great-Granny

However, one of the great things about the Gospel is that the "my" is turned to "Thy."  Through this last month I have been reminded numerous times that when I am focused on "Thy will" and on what Christ has done, I rejoice in my circumstances.  I cannot think of a better place to be than sleeping in my grandparents' basement, fixing their meals, repeating my words at least two times, making my Granny sit still, listening to some new and some old stories, and doing laundry for 8 people.  Our kids bring them so much joy, and they have said that many times. 

My kids have benefited as well from this.  Many might think we are insane, moving our children from comfort, but I have already seen the benefits.  Ellie told me when I am old she is going to take care of me, like we are taking care of Granny and Grandad.  That meant so much, coming from her sweet little seven year-old heart.  It also meant she sees what we are doing for the special elderly in our life. 

Remembering what Christ did for me, moves me to do for my grandparents, children, and husband.  My joy in Christ urges me to be joyful in any circumstance.  I can't say it's always easy, but I will say it is always rewarding, whether it is spending 3 hours in urgent care with Grandad, or filling up Granny's weekly medicine container, I think of Christ.  I do because He did for me.  It's just that simple.

Take time every day to pause and pray, "Thy not my."